


Welcome to The Speck

by Batdad (MizGoat), DivineValley



Series: Quartermaster and The Speck [4]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff with side of angst, M/M, Slice of Life, one sided feelings, relationship drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-04 20:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14601186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizGoat/pseuds/Batdad, https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineValley/pseuds/DivineValley
Summary: After a near death experience, Tadhg returns to The Speck for a much-needed reunion with his friends. At the same time, Brass decides to tag along so he can finally see for himself what makes the tiny relay station so special.





	1. Chapter 1

“Another visit is here! I’m happy we’ll be able to see Steady and Tadhg again so soon.” Mouse said happily it wouldn’t be much longer for the two to arrive. “Hawke are you excited you were really worried last time...we all were.”

How could they not be? Tadhg’s accident was life and death, he could have been gone forever. With a nod, Hawke made sure to turn in Mouse’s direction so the other could see him speak. “Of course and especially to show him all the poems we’ve found for him to enjoy. I hope he likes them.”

Smiling to himself it slowly went away when Howler started to make kissing noises with his lips from his bunk. He started to snicker when Hawke flipped him the finger.

**“You L-I-K-E him.”**

“I don’t think you’re in any position to be mocking me, how’s your love life going for you? Oh wait, you don’t have one either.” The comment was well worth the pillow to the face and soon they were laughing and hitting one another as they waited for the arrival of their friends from the 212th.

* * *

 

Brass was leaning on the side of the shuttle as Steady and Tadhg approached.

“Come to see us off?” Tadhg asked. He tried to sound cheerful but he was still thrown by the new harsh and raspy tones his voice had taken on since his injury.

“One better. I’m your pilot today. The droid you usually use is out for repair. There’s nothing on my schedule, so I volunteered. Flight plan’s already been confirmed.” Brass’s voice held a note of challenge and he was locking eyes with Steady. It had been like this for weeks now. The tensions sparked between the two when Steady had left while Tadhg had been healing in a bacta tank had never come to a head, nor had they diffused. Tense standoffs had become their normal method of communicating. It never failed to make Tadhg wish the floor would swallow him whole.

“How very kind of you. Wasn’t there some other droid we could have used? Hate to waste your time.” Steady kept his voice level but his head was tilted slightly to one side and his shoulders were stiff. It was the stance Tadhg had seen him use when he was about to ream some shiny a new hole.

“Nonsense. I need more solo-flight hours if I’m ever gonna be up for promotion anyway. This is one of the craft I’m licensed for. You’d be doing me a favor if anything. Plus I get to meet the friends Ty’ika is always talking about.” Brass grinned.

Don’t bring me into this you traitor _,_ Tadhg thought, but he did his best to meet Brass’s smile.

“Sure. I’m sure they’d love to finally meet you too,” he croaked in response.

Steady raised his eyebrows and made a soft mhmm sound before climbing into the shuttle.

“Well come on then. We have a timetable to keep to,” he called from inside the shuttle.

Once takeoff procedures had been completed and they had entered hyperspace, Steady jerked his thumb at the door that separated the cockpit from the rest of the shuttle.

“Your lover, Tadhgan. Your mess to clean up.” He was frowning, but his voice was much softer than it had been earlier.

“Point taken,” Tadhg grumbled as he headed to the front.

Tadhg dropped into the unused copilot’s seat as the door closed behind them with a pneumatic hiss.

“You want to tell me what this is really about?” Tadhg wished his voice sounded soft or gentle, but the best he could manage was quiet and hissy.

“You know what this is about. Look, I don’t know what the hell it is you and he have running out at this relay station. I’m assuming smuggling, just based on context. Up until three weeks ago, I didn’t care. But he runs off there while you are still hanging by a thread in some bacta tank, and apparently, you are in so deep with him that you just nod like that’s fine.” Brass had a white-knuckle grip on the controls and was staring fixedly at the white glow of hyperspace as if he needed to concentrate on flying even though there was nothing to do until they dropped out of hyperspace.

“For all I know he just wanted to go fuck the sergeant there. But kriff you’d think he could have just settled for one of the dozens he sleeps with in the 212th.”

“Don’t,” Tadhg whispered. He hadn’t realized just how long Brass had been stewing on this. It was so unlike him not to speak his mind. But that didn’t make hearing Steady insulted any easier.

“And you’re ok with it all. That’s what I don’t get. That’s what I keep coming back to. Why? What secret is there that you two are so determined to protect? What in the hell is there that is more important than you are? Why won’t you tell me what the hell is going on!” Brass had been gradually getting louder and he was almost shouting now.

“Did it maybe occur to you that it wasn’t our secret to tell, Brass.” Tadhg wanted to yell back for the release of it, but he knew from experience that he wouldn’t get much louder and the effort would be painful. Brass went quiet.

“You’re right. It’s a smuggling operation.” Brass looked ready to indignantly cut in, but Tadhg plowed on. “They smuggle Clones who are deemed unfit for combat. Clones slated to go back to Kamino. Sten finds them and helps them disappear. Start new lives.” Tadhg paused a moment to catch his breath and deliberately relaxed the grip he’d taken on the chair’s armrests. “Remember how I was recording poetry into an audio file for Hawke. It’s not because he has dyslexia, it’s because he’s blind. And I didn’t learn sign language because the speakers are broken on the vid receiver. I send messages in sign language to Mouse because he’s deaf. Obviously, it’s all stupidly illegal, which is why we didn’t tell you. Because it’s not our secret. It’s theirs.” He finished with an emphatic wave of his hands at the front of the cockpit as if the Speck was actually in front of them.

“I still don’t see how this adds up to him needing to go take care of them instead of you,” Brass said through gritted teeth. Clearly, he wasn’t quite ready to be finished with anger.

“Come on, you aren’t stupid. If you would quit being mad a Steady for two seconds, you’d see how obvious this all is.” Tadhg sighed.

“Oh.” It was a soft defeated noise. “He thought you might need… smuggling.”

“He wasn’t sure, but he wanted to be ready. If it came to it.” Tadhg pinched the bridge of his nose. It should be a relief to have this out in the open finally, but all he could feel was drained. “Well and he mouthed off to the General earlier that day. In front of Commander Cody. So it was probably safer for him to be in a remote part of the galaxy for a few days,” he added in a half-hearted attempt to lighten the mood.

The ship dropped out of hyperspace with a slight jerk.

“Well, we’re here,” Brass said quietly, then ran his fingers over the dash to open the comm channel.

“This is GAR shuttle 26-A-4382 transporting Lieutenant Steady and Sergeant Tadhg requesting permission to dock. Sending authorization codes now.”

“Copy that, Shuttle 26-A-4382. Please proceed to docking bay 2,” came the crackly response. Tadhg couldn’t be sure, but he thought it sounded like Yoss.

“A clone pilot…” Shepard mumbled, standing beside Yoss after the ok was given the guard captain was hesitant for a moment. When had Steady and Tadhg ever come in with a live pilot and not a droid? This was a red flag, a definite red flag. “The others are in the docking bay. If someone besides Steady and Tadhg are on that shuttle…”

They could all be in danger right now.

“Yoss we need to go now.” He ordered quickly and was already out the door heading down to the hangar as he commed for Marks and Brig to meet him there.

Something could be wrong, something could go wrong. Shepard wasn’t about to allow another injury on his watch not like what had happened with the sergeant and Bitters. Getting there just in time to see the ramp lowered Shepard’s instincts went on high alert when the first person to step off the ship was a stranger. He was in 212th armor but that didn’t mean anything. Who was that? Why was he here? In the distance he could see Mouse and Hawke were there, Sergeant Sten and Blitzen hadn’t arrived yet. Mouse had gone still at the sight of the stranger, his entire body growing tense.

“Mouse? Something wrong?” Hawke asked worriedly when he felt Mouse gently push him back to shield him from view.

“That’s far enough,” Shepard called out his blaster drawn and pointed at the stranger. “Who are you, what is your purpose here?” He demanded in a loud voice keeping perfect aim on the other when Sten arrived with the others.

“Woah! Woah, Shep time out! Why is that out?!” Looking toward the shuttle to see Brass standing there Sten did a double take. “Brass?! What’re you doing here?... Oh, Kriff did something happen to Tadhg? Is he okay?! Is he sick?!” Running down the steps he the worst possible scenarios were on his mind. “Is Steady okay?! What’s going on, why are you here?!”

Steady poked his head around the corner and seemed to be having a hard time holding in laughter.

“‘I’m fine. Tadhg’s fine. The only one who’s not fine is the piloting droid who’s in for repairs.” He ignored Shepard who still had his gun up and pushed past the frozen Brass to walk up to Sten.

“Sorry for the surprise. He sort of invited himself.” Then in a lower tone, Steady added, “he’s been suspicious about this place since last time I came.” He was about to say more when he saw Sten go stiff.

Steady looked over his shoulder, and sure enough, there was Tadhg, paused in the door of the shuttle with one arm resting on the frame of the entrance as if he was unsure if he wanted to go farther.

“Tadhg…” Moving toward the younger clone Sten took a few steps before running the rest of the way pulling him into a tight hug. “...Shit, thank the Force, I was so fucking worried about you. How you feeling? You okay? They taking caring of you?” He asked suddenly feeling his throat tighten in a painful way. “I thought...thought you were gone there for a bit kiddo,” Sten muttered as he continued to hold him when Mouse ran toward them holding Hawke’s hand.

“TADHG!” Pulling him into his own crushing hug Mouse buried his face into the crook of Tadhg’s neck. “We...we were so worried. But you’re here you’re okay!” He shouted not caring if he was too loud right now, clearly overjoyed to see his friend was back.

Stepping forward Hawke placed a hand on Tadhg’s arm giving him a small squeeze. “Welcome back...geez, I thought I was the only one who would be blown up around here...you better not scare us ever again, okay?”

Tadhg shifted so that his left side was to the group. Mouse had come through loud and clear, but he’d only really caught about two-thirds of what the other’s had said. He quickly moved to run a reassuring hand over the ones that were pressed against him, but it was hard to focus.

“Can we not point a blaster at Brass. He’s not a threat. Promise,” Tadhg said and signed as he spoke. He fought down the urge once more to cringe at his own voice. Emotion it seemed made his voice even rougher, just when he wanted to sound smooth and reassuring.

Nodding his head Sten sent a look at Shepard gesturing for him to lower the gun and thankfully his guard captain listened. It hurt his heart to hear how rough Tadhg’s voice had become but it wasn’t that big of a deal, he was alive and that’s all that mattered.

Almost missing the sound of feet slamming against the metal floor, Sten let out a surprised grunt when Howler came barreling through pushing him out of the way so he could get to Tadhg for a hug.

“Geez...wish you’d move that fast for work…” He mumbled but gave a small smile to see them all reunited. Giving them space Sten returned to Steady to greet him properly with a soft kiss. “Been worried outta my mind about you idiots...always giving me a heart attack...So Brass uh...nice to see you again! Welcome to our station, guess you’re up to speed on things?”

Seeing how Brass still seemed a bit stunned he lightly clapped him on the shoulder. “Sorry about that Shepard takes his job seriously, I’m sure his blaster was set to stun, right Shep?”

Glancing down at it Shepard said nothing but simply turn a notch on the side. “Is now sir.”

“Oooh kay, we’re going to have a talk bout that later…”

“I was wondering how long you were gonna make me stand there…” Brass trailed off. It was a little unusual to see Tadhg pressed in by so many people. He got along with his own squad well enough. Some of them had even come by while he was in medical. Though if Brass had to hazard a guess, he’d wager that the crew of the Clean Sweep had been by more. But none of them were close friends. Not like this.

Brass wasn’t jealous. There was none of the anger or outrage of jealousy. But he was struck by the idea that he was an auxiliary here. That he didn’t quite belong. This whole venture was increasingly seeming like a bad idea, and not only because he’d almost gotten shot. He hadn’t quite known what he would find here, but he wasn’t really prepared for a station full of people who would elbow each other out of the way to try and hug Tadhg.

And Tadhg was all but pirouetting around now trying to keep them all to his left. If his own experience was any indicator in the matter than Tadhg wouldn’t explain things either unless the issue got forced. Well, at least there he could be of some help. Brass moved into the crowd and plucked Tadhg’s right elbow. He leaned in close enough to the scarred remains of Tadhg’s right ear that he was sure that he could be heard.

“Are you going to introduce me?” He asked, a little loud just to be sure. The other’s shifted to Tadhg’s left, perhaps subconsciously.

“Oh of course. Sorry. Sten you’ve met. The one who tried to shoot you is Shepard, head of station security. This is Hawke and Mouse and Howler.” Tadhg gestured to each in turn.

“Nice to meet you!” Mouse chirped happily as he offered Brass his hand, “Shepard wouldn’t shoot you...I mean if he thought you were a threat maybe? He’s actually really nice!” Brass wasn’t sure he believed the half about not shooting. He was pretty sure that Shepard was absolutely ready to shoot.

There was the uncomfortable sensation of being inspected as another member of the group looked him up and down.

“Howler, you know sign?” He asked with his hands and glanced now between himself and Tadhg.

“I’m Hawke, heh I was standing right here and missed all the action, Shepard really was all aimed at him? Yoss might be a slightly bad influence after all…”

“Yoss is a bad influence on everyone,” Tadhg confirmed with a roll of his eyes.

“A little. I’m slow.” Brass signed back falteringly. “It’s nice to meet you all. Tadhg talks about you all the time.” Which was true. He’d skipped the part where they were all injured fugitives, but that was, perhaps, understandable.

“Ah, yes,” Tadhg said with a slight flush. “So this is my boyfriend, Brass.” And Tadhg grabbed his hand as if for emphasis, or maybe reassurance. Either way it was nice.

“Boyfriend.” Hawke and Mouse said in unison while Howler mouthed out the word in surprise.

“That’s great! How come you didn’t tell us sooner that you met someone?”  Hawke asked as he nudged Tadhg smiling widely while Howler and Mouse exchanged a look between one another.

“Guys hey!” Hearing someone call out to them the group turned to see another clone running over with a smile on his face. “Tadhg! Hey man, you’re back!” Giving him a welcoming hug as well he reached over yanking on Howler’s cheek. “Thanks for filling me in! I almost had a crate of rations crush my foot when you went zooming off. “Anyways Tadhg a certain medic is dying to see you, he couldn’t come down here he was taking care of a patient but told me for you to get to medical on the double.”

“Hello, Vic. It’s good to see you. Vic this is Brass, Brass, Vic.” Tadhg gestured to each as he spoke. “So Blitz wants to see me in medical, then. Well, let’s go.” For once he was glad for his newly damaged vocal chords because he’s pretty sure that his voice would have wobbled without it.

Tadhg found himself at the head of a small column as they walked through the small station. Brass was doing his best to make small talk. Explaining how he was a pilot and how he and Tadhg had met. Tadhg tried to listen and chime in but his pulse was pounding in his ears.

“Hey, Blitz,” he called and stuck his head around the corner. But then it was there. The smell. And suddenly the memory of what it had been like to try and cough bacta out of his screaming lungs came crashing in around him. He could taste it sliding over his tongue.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped and ran for the fresher.

From where he was hunched over the toilet revisiting everything he had eaten that day he was able to hear snatches of  Brass talking to Blitz.

“Six days in oxygenated bacta… smell… sets him off…”

As he retched again he started to shake. Force, he hated this. He must have been such a spectacle running off like that. When would it be enough? He was tired of waiting to be well again.

“Shit, I should have known better.” Rushing into the fresher, Blitz knelt down beside Tadhg rubbing his back and advising him to take deep breaths. Blitz had his own issues with the smell of medical spaces it was moronic of him to assume Tadhg wouldn’t be suffering as well.

“I’m sorry, shit, I’m sorry Tadhg.” When the Tadhg raised his head and finally looked at him Blitz's face held no reaction to the scars. He’s seen worse, far worse, had treated men who had so little of their faces left, their helmets melted into their skin, fleshing hanging by stands. Tadhg’s scars were nothing.

So he had no problem gently touching his injured cheek quietly examining it wanting to make sure the medics at the 212th did a proper job. “When Steady came and told us what happened...You never do that again. Ever. Understand? Now let’s get you out of here so we can all talk and spoil the hell out of you, okay?” There was a tremor in his voice that couldn’t be covered up. He owed Tadhg a lot and he viewed him as a little brother, losing him would have been a big loss.

“Everyone keeps saying ‘don’t do that again’ like I was trying to do something. I can barely even remember what happened,” Tadhg grumbled. Still, he let Blitz help him to his feet and leaned on him perhaps just a little more than he really needed to.

Brass was waiting by the sink with a small cup of water that Tadhg took gratefully and rinsed out his mouth. He took some water and splashed it over his face and gripped the side of the sink and leaned on it for support. His reflection in the mirror still seemed a little hollow-cheeked and grey. He glared at it, willing his composure to return.

“Figures that the one thing I can still smell clearly is kriffing bacta.” He wasn’t going to let this ruin the trip. Tadhg wanted so badly to just be able to relax with his friends. He felt Brass’ hand settle on his lower back and he forced his knees to straighten. He tried to smile and wrinkled his nose at the sensation of stretching stiff scar tissue.

“Let’s go see the others. I probably scared the crap out of them with that stupid stunt.”

Staring at him a moment Blitz gestured for Tadhg to stay put a moment. “Don’t force yourself into being okay.” He said in a firm voice but gentle as well.

“I don’t want you ending up like me Tadhg. If you feel bad, if you need to get negative emotions out let them out. If you push yourself...promise me. You’re not alone and everyone here can understand in one way or another.”

He emphasized this by patting his own leg knowing Tadhg understood what he meant. Steady and Tadhg knew about his episode, what had happened and there was that embarrassing moment when he was drunk. “You’re going to eat now. You need food clearly.”

Tadhg rolled his eyes and frowned.

“If you insist.” He shook his head, then bumped his shoulder against Blitz’s. It was good to be among friends, really, but he wasn’t quite ready to talk.

“Good kriffing luck with that,” Brass said. He slung his arm over Tadhg’s shoulders and took up his spot on Tadhg’s right side. “You feeling better?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna be fine, really. Let’s go.”

Slamming down a tray of food after they arrived at the cafeteria Blitz narrowed his eyes at Tadhg and pointed at everything in front of him.

“You’re going to eat. You’ve lost weight I can tell just from looking at you and hugging you, you’re like bones. So as your friend and trusted medical advisor I order you to eat. Or else I will force you to eat.”

“He will trust me he will,” Sten commented with a smirk as he and Steady arrived. “I suggest you listen to him Tadhg, Blitzen here’s temper has shortened quite a bit after the whole paint ordeal…”

“Ah yes, Steady...thank you so much for the paint. Never again. Ever, I don’t care how well Sten sucks your dick or gives you the sad eyes. No more paint.” He demanded not caring how Sten’s face turned red.

“Y-You do know I’m the sergeant here!”

“Mhm...and I’m the medic who makes sure you and the other don’t kill yourselves.”

The laughter that rolled up from his friends felt like a balm. Tadhg dutifully pushed the food around the plate with his fork.

“You know some of it has to actually go in your mouth for it to be considered eating?” Brass asked and prodded him in the ribs.

“Fine.” Tadhg took a bite chewed it a few times then stuck his tongue out at Brass still covered in half eaten food. “There? That good? You happy?” he asked around his mouthful before swallowing.

He felt a tap on his left shoulder and realized that Steady had reached down the table to pass him a bottle of hot sauce. Had it been there before? Or was this another of Steady’s habits of stashing away food.

“Thanks,” he said softly and took the bottle. The red smear across his food didn’t actually make it look any more appetizing, but at least now he might be able to taste something.

“We learned the hot sauce trick anytime the sarge cooks for us,” Hawke said with a small smile, he could smell the stuff clearly. The blind trooper glad Blitz was forcing Tadhg to eat, when he hugged him he could feel just how skinny he had become.

Knowing that he was okay after his reaction in medical Hawke cleared his throat and carefully stood up from the table. “Anyways I uh...I had recorded some poems we found you might like, I, I better go get them now.” Hearing someone begin to stand as well he quickly shook his head. “I can get it myself. I can get it just fine. I’ll be back soon.”

Watching him go Mouse and Howler once again exchanged worried looks but forced themselves not to follow Hawke back to their room. This wasn’t going to end well.

Brass watched Hawke leave. Poor guy looked like a wet loth-cat. And from the way that the others glanced between the three of them, he was willing to bet he could guess why. He couldn’t say he blamed him exactly either. He would have been fairly miserable too if he’d learned that Tadhg was taken.

He turned to the remaining members of the group but kept an eye on Tadhg to watch his progress on the meal.

“So, the sarge here cooks too?”

“More like he cooks for Steady and we’re just the test subjects…” Vic commented but quickly shut up after catching a look from Sten, a look that said death.

“Uh if I recall I made you guys soup and it was pretty...decent.” Sten pointed out, but the looks the comment earned seemed to indicate that the meal had neither been forgotten nor decent. “Anyways Steady and I have to go through the normal procedures for the inspection but Tadhg you hang out all you want okay? Eat up and enjoy your time with everyone, we seriously missed you.”

“Is normal inspection procedures code for sex?” Brass asked and cocked an eyebrow.

“Yup. Very specific military regulation sex. I could explain how it works to you if you like?” Steady had crossed his arms over his chest and was leaning over the table toward Brass.

“Go ahead, old man. I can tell you all the juicy bits about sex with Tadhg and we’ll see who squirms first.” Brass extended his palms up in an open invitation of challenge.

“You little punk,” Steady said with a frown.

Tadhg lost it. He knew that by rights he should be embarrassed, but after weeks of cold war between his lover and his best friend, this lighthearted bickering was a relief. And irrationally funny. His shoulders started to shake and it quickly erupted into a full-blown barking fit of laughter. No amount of self-consciousness about the rasping and wheezing that came with his laughter could bring it down either. Some dam within him had burst and he couldn’t slow it down.

Tadhg’s laughter seemed to spread and catch Howler who joined in with a snort while Mouse looked on clearly the humor lost on him. Vic meanwhile was giving Howler a pat on the back when he started choking a bit.

“Well it’s nice to see everyone’s happy but yeah there actually is some official stuff I do want to talk about. Like actual work stuff but that can definitely wait after military regulated sex.” Sten said with a smirk and pulled Steady down so he could plant a kiss on his lips.

“Have fun kids! Don’t get into too much trouble don’t knock on my door for the next few hours~” The sergeant ordered while he lead Steady out of the cafeteria by the hand.

Watching them Blitz rolled his eyes as he stood up, “I better be getting back just in case of anything as usual. Tadhg finish that food. That’s an order. Brass shove down if you have to.” With that, the medic was gone too.

“Soooo, what do you all get up to around here for fun?” Brass asked grinning. Tadhg leaned on his shoulder and gasped for air as he slowly came down from his laughing fit.

Maybe this trip was going to be ok after all.

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Howl by fun I don’t think Brass meant you showing him the vents…” Vic said as they all stood in front of one of the grates, Howler already removing it.

**“This is how I have fun. By exploring.”**

“No you have fun spying on people and blackmailing them.”

Shrugging Howler clearly wasn’t going to deny it. **“Tadhg you had fun in the vents, right?”**

“Ha, yeah. Um. Yes. Fun.” Tadhg nodded as pressed his lips into a thin line.

Brass hand already lifted himself halfway into the vent, however, and was peering down them.

“Which way we going? Left or right?”

**“Right! I’ll show you all the hotspots for juicy gossip!”** Turning to Tadhg, Howler sent a wink his way. “Don’t worry I’ll take care of your man!” he signed. With that, the two had crawled into the vents to have their adventure.

Brass followed Howler’s directions as they worked their way through the vents, turning on command listening for how far to go. Suddenly he felt Howler’s hand on his leg calling for a stop. They waited a moment in silence.

There was a soft sobbing sound and Brass felt his stomach drop. A bit of spying had seemed fun, but he wasn’t expecting to get anywhere truly private. A bit of shuffling got Howler to be the one leading and soon they were above a tiny bunk room. Hawke was curled up on his bunk crying his eyes out, they were quiet sobs muffled more by his pillow.

Sighing softly Howler looked back at Brass.

“We go in. You be quiet and slip out,” he signed and pushed the grate so they could both get into the room.

“Who-oh...Howl...who else could it be. I-I was coming back I swear I-I just needed to calm down.” Sitting up quickly Hawke wiped at his eyes taking a deep breath. “I feel so stupid Howl...I’m so stupid. Ugh, Gods, here I was acting like a damn love sick idiot and his boyfriend was standing right…” Stiffening Hawke’s head snapped in their direction. “Whose with you?!”

**“Vic.”**

“That isn’t Vic, I know what Vic’s breathing sounds like!”

“We weren’t coming here on purpose. I, I didn’t hear anything. I was just gonna step out…” Brass trailed off. He started for the door then stopped. A handful of ideas of what to say next flickered through his mind and were shot down. It seemed wrong to leave things where they stood, but he didn’t know if anything he could say would improve the situation. Well, it was better to regret something you did than something you were too scared to try.

“For what it’s worth, neither of us think you are an idiot.”

“I feel like one,” Hawke whispered his voice small as he curled up again as he wiped away the last of his tears. “I’m...stupid. It’s fine really, I’ll be fine it would have never worked anyways.”

Sitting down beside him Howler placed a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s better this way. You can always be with him and...how can I even be upset? Tadhg is amazing and he must think you’re amazing too. So must be true.” Brass frowned at hearing that.

“I’m nothing special. I just got lucky. Anyway, you can’t beat yourself up just for having feelings. That way lies madness.” Brass paused a moment, hoping he wasn’t making things worse. Still, he’d seen the way Tadhg lit up when he talked about his friend’s here. He’d be damned if he fucked that up without at least trying to set things to rights.

“You know, when I first met Tadhg there was a rumor going round that he and Steady were an item. If that had ended up being true I’d probably been in the same state you’re in. It’s not unreasonable for you to be upset.” Brass but his lip and shuffled a little closer to the door. He was pretty sure he’d outstayed his welcome but he waited for a response.

Suddenly a laugh came from Hawke and soon he was shaking with more choked up giggles till he was having a fit. “Steady and Tadhg?! What? No way people thought that?!” He asked unable to believe it.

“That’s...hilarious. Oh wow man if Sten heard that he’d be rolling on the floor.” Sniffling a bit a smile was back on his face and Howler was snickering as well. “I...I guess it stings cause he was the first person I’ve felt those kind of feelings for.”

**“What about Steady?”**

“Ew no!!! Steady is like my dad!!!” He shouted and quickly slapped his hands over his mouth.

“Well then, out of respect for your paternal feelings for the old man I won’t go into details, but Steady has a reputation that made the rumor seem not improbable.” Brass winked conspiratorially. If speculation about the LTs love life made Hawke laugh, he could dish. After all, he did have the inside line, thanks to Tadhg.

“But then you have to at least have some clue on that front since Yoss got transferred here?”

“Some clue, Yoss spared me a lot of details on that and he’s more focused on Shepard these days. They’re together now.” He informed him with Howler nodding along to confirm it to be true.

**“They make out a lot.”**

“Yeah but that’s not annoying since I can’t see it. At least not as annoying as the sarge’s pining over Steady. He’s got it bad for him but refuses to admit it.”

“Shit, who’d’ve thought that there were two people in the galaxy that actually get along with Yoss? And while I wish your Sarge all the best, no one’s ever known the LT to settle down any. Though I think he goes out of his way for Sten more than most, so maybe there’s some hope there. I mean, Steady stuck with Sten when they were on Coruscant and I’m sure he had other offers on the table.” Brass leaned back against the wall and frowned thoughtfully.

“The drama must get a little intense here, What with the confined space and all?”

“We’re secrets. This isn’t an official barracks it used to be a storage closet. Inspectors wouldn’t come in here. The sarge is taking a huge risk in keeping us here.”

**“We’re broken according to the GAR, we didn’t meet acceptable parameters anymore. Clearly.”** Howler typed out his expression changing as he gave a weak shrug rubbing his throat. **“We’re able to handle the drama. Better than being euthanized or ending up a test subject back on Kamino. That’s what happened to Shepard.”**

Brass straightened up.

“I get that. I mean I didn’t. I had no idea what the hell could bring Steady out here when Tadhg was still in the bacta tank. Why this place was so important. But I get it now.” Brass shifted his weight back and forth a bit.

“Hey look, I know I’m probably the last person to be in a position to ask a favor, but listen, could you make a point of asking Tadhg to keep reading for you? He’s been kinda weird about the way his voice sounds. He used to read for Steady and I all the time, but lately…” he trailed off. “I just think it could help, ‘s all.”

“Of course, I love it when he reads to me-us.” Hawke paused a moment and seemed to consider something. “I will...but maybe not, not today…uh, guys can I have a little more time to myself if that’s okay.” Hawke asked his voice going small and quiet again..

Frowning a bit Howler nodded his head and stood up and squeezed Hawke’s hand. Going out into the hall he waited for Brass to follow before he sighed softly.

**“He needs some time to heal. He fell pretty hard. Let’s go find the others.”**

Brass dragged his heels a little as they left Hawke to his grief. It seemed such a shame. He was a nice guy, good looking, smart. Didn’t quite sit right that he was dealing with heartache just because he hadn’t realized that Tadhg was already with someone else. He wished there was something he could do, but there was little that could be done in general, and even less that he himself might help with given the circumstances.

“We got a cover story for this particular misadventure?” he asked Howler.

**“We accidentally passed over Sten’s office and were scarred after hearing his and Steady’s nasty sex moans.”**

Snickering a little at the excuse Howler then sighed as they made their way back to the others, they were most likely in the lounge area just relaxing.

**“We’ll tell Tadhg, Hawke is resting or feeling a little sick so he can have his alone time. Mouse won’t ask, he knows too. Pretty much everyone knows. Except for Tadhg obviously.”**

“Hold up, Tadhg doesn’t know? How? I mean I knew he didn’t pick up on some things, but really? Hawke wasn’t exactly subtle.” Brass’s hands waved in small circles as he talked as if pantomiming his confusion.

**“Your boyfriend is blinder than Hawke is which is saying something.”**

“Great,” Brass said and let out a grumbling noise of displeasure. “Well, that’s great.”

“Hey, thanks for showing me around, by the way. I know I kinda got us a bit snafu back there, but I was enjoying the trip.”

Smiling he sent Brass a thumbs up.

Finding Vic and Mouse in the lounge Tadhg was nowhere in sight which made Howler give them a questioning look and gesture to the empty space between the two as if to ask;

Where the fuck is he?

“Tadhg said he wanted get some actual work done and that he needed a brief break from our smothering. Wasn’t going to stop him.” Vic explained with a shrug. “I think he was just going to check inventory is all.”

Tadhg sat down on a crate with a small grunt. He didn’t really need to be doing this. The Speck really did mostly run itself, sentient oversight was just to make everyone feel a bit better about taking the time to do an inspection. All the same, he kept running over inventory levels and shipment details as if he expected to find something.

This was ridiculous. He shouldn’t be hiding from his friends. He’d go back. He just needed a few minutes more to breathe. It was quiet in this cargo bay, or as quiet as the Speck ever got with only a faint hum of distant conversation and the rattling of the station’s machines.

Tadhg made a few more notes on Sten’s holopad. He had borrowed it after spotting it left out in the common room. It had provided the needed excuse to take some time to himself.

Suddenly it quit responding. Frantically Tadhg tapped it, trying several buttons and gesture commands hoping it would do something, anything. He did not need to be breaking Sten’s equipment while he was hiding out with no witnesses.

Several screens began to flash by at once as every command Tadhg had inputted executed in rapid succession. Tadhg was left staring at what was apparently some deeply buried folder. He was about to close it when he spotted one of the files had his name on it.

It was his medical file. He scrolled through the familiar pages that detailed his various breaks and defects. None of them enough to remove him from service. “Acceptable operating parameters.” Scrolling back it had notes going back to cadet training cuts and bumps. The whole thing.

And then as he reached then end it opened the next file automatically. At first, he wasn’t sure who it belonged to, because he had never bothered to learn CT numbers that he didn’t need to file papers, but soon he realized it had to be Howler’s. No one else had injuries like that.

_Designation: CT-7402_

_In combat 7402 was shot in the throat shielding superior officer CC-3636. Due to surgeon error vocal chords were damaged resulting in loss of voice. Can no longer form words aside from guttural noises. 7402 has expressed viotial behavior after given news of condition, mental evaluations determined it can no longer function as a proper soldier._

 

  * __7402 had attempted multiple escape attempts.__


  * _Biting several medical staff._


  * _Caused two medical staff to suffer concussions._


  * _Caused self-inflicted injury to hands after a mental breakdown when 104th Battalion departed the station._


  * _More self-inflicted injury after attempting to speak again._


  * _Attempted to claw throat open._



 

_CT-7402 no longer fits acceptable operating parameters and will be sent back to Kamino. It will either be decommissioned or reconditioned. If decommissioning is followed 7402’s body will provide quality replacement limbs and organs to injured. A good candidate for reconditioning experimentation for rebellious behavior. 7402 expressed strong individuality and had been going through the process of ARC Trooper training, seeing how its mind responds to reconditioning could yield interesting results._

Tadhg had to set the holopad down because he realized his hands were shaking. His head spun as a mess of details organized themselves into this new narrative. He knew that Howl missed his old battalion, but this seemed to go deeper. Tadhg respected the hell out of Cody, but he never would have taken a plasma bolt for him. And after all, that, to be separated them? It seemed impossibly cruel. Before he’d even realized what he was doing he’d picked the pad up and continued scrolling.

_Designation: CT-2386_

_2386 was brought into medical after the assault on Ryloth, complaints of ringing in ears as result from explosion. Shrapnel had been lodged into face, neck, and chest as well easily removed. After multiple treatments hearing could not be restored. Further operating could possibly restore 20% of hearing but would be waste of resources. To be noted 2386 is an older clone unit who served at the first battle of Geonosis. Strong signs of PTSD are shown in mental evaluations. Records suggest 2386 is an outcasted unit among the ranks._

 

  * __2386 reacted violently after being approached by former ‘batch brothers’__


  * _Made an attempt to take own life._


  * _Begged several medical officers to be euthanized._


  * _Has had episodes of uncontrollable screaming._


  * _Random outbursts of crying and uncontrolled emotion._



 

_CT-2386 no longer fits acceptable operating parameters and will be sent back to Kamino. It will be sent for decommissioning body parts and organs will be given to other units that need it. 2386 has a long history of docile nature that is not suitable for a clone unit, it has shown uselessness in combat. Possibility it was defected unit from the beginning and somehow was able to avoid detection while in cadet training. Tests will be run once it is returned to Kamino, examining the brain can possibly explain why 2386 lacks an aggressive nature._

Tadhg bit his lip. His chest felt tight. He knew he and Mouse were kindred souls. If it hadn’t been for Steady spotting his talent for organization, Tadhg would have been just as much out of his depth as Mouse had been. He wasn’t aggressive by nature and what assertiveness he had was the result of careful cultivation. By all rights he an Mouse ought to be equals. Instead, Tadhg kept getting promoted and Mouse was a fugitive. And all because Tadhg had had someone who understood him and Mouse hadn’t. He’d long ago learned to acclimate to the senseless violence of the battlefield, but the senseless violence of how they lived their lives was proving harder to swallow. Still, he read on.

_Designation: CT-9001_

_9001 was caught in a large explosion that resulted in the loss of its hearing and the entire unit. Was found trapped beneath the corpse of CT-8999 by the Quartermaster Sergeant of the 212th. 9001 was in a delusional state had to be sedated in order to be brought back to battalion medical. The blast resulted in blindness. With intense operations and medical treatment, eyesight can be restored in the left eye but would be a waste of resources._

 

  * __9001 continued to show a delusional state in regards to 8999’s state unwilling to accept its death.__


  * _In a constant of denial asking for 8999 repeatedly begging to know where it was._


  * _Attempted to attack CT-2057 in medical for being saved._


  * _Had emotional outburst screaming uncontrollably at CT-2057_


  * _Mental breakdown after learning of the slaying of the entire unit._


  * _Multiple attempts at taking own life._



 

_CT-9001 no longer fits acceptable operating parameters and will be sent back to Kamino. Enough resources had already been wasted on it. Though 9001 had great potential and was an ideal cadet in training it has been rendered completely useless without vision and has proven to be from a failed batch. 9001 is ultimately a broken unit and will be sent for decommissioning upon arrival back at Kamino unless it manages to successfully kill itself. Visits from CT-2057 seem to keep 9001 in a calm state for now._

Tadhg closed his eyes and pinched his brow. He had known a little of this. He had been there when Steady had handed off his pass codes and told him that he was going to stay in medical with the injured blind kid he’d dug out of the battlefield until he died. And then Steady had stared at him and waited. It would have been easy for Tadhg to complain about an officer dumping all his work on him, but Tadhg had been too impressed with the level of trust he was being shown to much care. It had been a test. He’d realized that later. And even later than that he’d realized that the kid had been Hawke.

Which was all the thought he’d ever given it. Hawke had lived after all, so it had clearly all worked out in the end. He’d not thought about what it must have been like to live through it. How desperately terrifying and lonely it must have been. He could just imagine Steady letting Hawke take all that pent up fear and pain out on him too. Hell, he’d been watching him let Brass do it for weeks.

He set the holopad down again. His eyes stung as a few tears began to drip down his cheeks. For once, he thought maybe he could understand just why Yoss thought everyone wanted him dead. This was how they lived. Used until they broke and then thrown away. A lot of the older clones made sense now. Sten’s manic determination, Yoss’s paranoia, Steady’s slow-burning rage. How the hell did any of them stay sane?

The answer, he thought, if there was one, had to be in caring for each other. They needed to create their own conditions of living. As much as they could given the limitations of their circumstances anyway. He’d ask Brass for help with an idea of something fun to do with the others before they left. He couldn’t do much about the past, but he could help them make better memories.

A noise from the doorway startled him and he frantically closed out of the medical files. And went back to the inventory software.

* * *

Hawke had cried a little more and had gone to the fresher in an attempt to feel better, he cleaned his face with cold water but knew he must have looked like a disaster still. His hair had come out of its braid and he knew he’d have a hard time getting it back in properly so left it loose.

He was in search of the others now and knew Howler was scheduled to be taking inventory right now though he doubted he’d actually be doing any work. Still, it was worth a shot. Finding his way there he opened the door and stood listening.

“Howl? You here?...” Hawke called out straining his hearing to pick up if anyone was in the room. He winced slightly at how raw his voice sounded, ugly crying was really gross he had hoped those days were over once he came here. Crying made him feel so weak and pathetic, he was sick of crying but he knew he’d always cry he was just too emotional. Hearing uneven breathing he frowned not recognizing it for a moment before it hit him who it could be.

“Tadhg? Are...are you here?”

_ “ _ Ah, yeah. It’s me, Hawke. Over here.” Tadhg wrinkled his nose when his voice cracked. “I figured someone ought to actually do some work, eh?” He tried to make his voice kilt up a little at the end so it would sound like a joke, but he wasn’t sure if he succeeded. 

He looked up from the holopad. Hawke looked a mess. Tadhg could spot redness around the edges of his eyes and his hair was hanging loose. Apparently, Tadhg wasn’t the only one who’s day wasn’t panning out to be as pleasant as he had hoped for. 

“You need a hand putting your hair back up? I know how to braid it.” The memory of what he had just read lurked in his mind with a lingering cloud of shame.

“O-oh...it’s…” Nervously biting his lip he gave a small nod, “If you don’t mind. Usually, Mouse or Vic helps me with it.” Sitting down in a nearby chair Hawke was quiet for a moment and felt his heart skip a beat when he felt Tadhg’s gentle fingers run through his hair. 

Kriff...how was he supposed to get over this? 

“So, so you were working I guess? Heh, nothing can stop you huh?” Swallowing back the lump in his throat he took a deep breath hoping to calm down. “Tadhg uhm...if you’re up for it later would you...want to read some poems? Been a while since we have and…”

Poems, he had written one especially for Tadhg, he was going to tell it to him, he was going to finally tell him his feelings and now he’d keep them bottle up until the day he died. Perfect. 

“I-I thought we might never be able to again...we really thought you were gone.”

“If you’d like.” How could he possibly say no to that? “I can’t read as long as I used to. My throat gets too sore.” 

He slid the hair tie into place and reached down to hug Hawke’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry Steady got you all spooked. I’m ok. I’m gonna be fine.” He pressed the scarred right side of his face against Hawke’s cheek. 

“I missed you.”

_ Kriff Tadhg, why are you doing this to me?  _

“I missed you too...and I know you’re going to be fine. You will be.” Hugging him in return, Hawke could feel the scarring of Tadhg’s face and reached up carefully touching his cheek and how the other was trying to flinch away from his touch. “Tadhg...look at me,” Hawke ordered gently. Giving him a moment Hawke tilted his head upward and opened his eyes.

Hawke’s eyes were still there, dead milky white eyes that held nothing in them, the skin around them was heavily scarred never properly healed. 

“Don’t be ashamed of your scars. Because if you’re ashamed of yours than I should be ashamed of mine. I’m sure you’re just as handsome as always.” Smiling a little he hoped it was enough to show how much he meant his words.

“You know, it’s the stupidest thing, but I keep not recognizing myself in the mirror. It’s been happening less, but it’s still such a shock every time I’m trying to get used to it.” Tadhg shrugged. 

With a swift jerk he picked up Hawke’s hand and guided it to the scarred remains of his right ear. 

“I lost a lot of hearing on this side. If it seems like I’m ignoring you, check that I can hear you first ok?” His words came out in an excited rush. “I also don’t have a very good sense of taste anymore. It’s why Steady handed over the hot sauce without complaining at me for once. Spicy is one of the few things I can reliably taste.” Tadhg drew up short and let go of Hawke’s hand. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to dump this all out on you.”

Though Tadhg’s grip was gone Hawke kept his hand in place gently touching what remained of his ear. That blast was horrible, they could have really lost him just like how his batch brothers had all been lost. Being told about his hearing and loss of taste made Hawke’s chest ache, poor Tadhg...he couldn’t imagine it.

“Maybe with time your taste buds will heal, for a long while Howler couldn’t have solids there was a high chance he wouldn’t be able to eat normal foods and well obviously he recovered enough. I’m...I’m sorry you were hurt like this but I’m so relieved that you didn’t end up like us.” 

Dropping his hand down he couldn’t help but reach for Tadhg’s, he just wanted to feel connected to him in some way.

When Steady had come that day telling them what happened they all feared Tadhg was going to become one of them. Sten and Steady were locked up for hours planning an emergency escape in case it was needed and they all prayed it wouldn’t come to that.

“That they didn’t do anything to you. Blitz was really worried they might take you for experiments like they did with him and Sten. Bring you to that awful room and take you apart. Sten would have taken you in a heartbeat.”

“I know. I’m lucky to have you all watching my back.” Tadhg squeezed Hawke’s hand and his voice grew a little quieter. “I wasn’t scared. I knew that I was safe. That even if I couldn’t fight anymore, I could come here.”

“Brass didn’t though. He took it kinda rough when Steady left to come here. We never told him the whole truth. So he, uh, volunteered to be our pilot. So he could figure out what the hell was going on. I feel like that put today on the wrong foot and it’s stayed there all day. Hopefully we can finish it better than it began, huh? I’m pretty much done here, and Howler has to be done giving Brass a tour of the vents by now. Should we go join the others?”

No. Not yet.

He wanted to be selfish and have some alone time with Tadhg if only a bit longer. Let him pretend for a little longer that...it could have been possible. 

“Before we go find them can we read some poems? If you’re not feeling too tired or sore? Even if it’s just one?” Hawke asked, his voice becoming small and he squeezed his hand back now too.

“Of course. Did you have something specific in mind?” 

“I feel like we could both use something a little more lighthearted, don’t you?” He sat back down on the crate, leaving the chair for Hawke and shifted a little to try and find the most comfortable spot.

“Yeah...definitely. How about you choose one of your favorites?” He suggested with a smile and stood up feeling around so he could take a seat beside him and rested his head on his shoulder. 

He wanted to pretend just a little longer.

Tadhg felt an unexpected sense of calm as Hawke settled against his shoulder. After his time in the bacta tank he had found that he missed the touch of his friends. There was a sense of safety in not being alone. 

“All right, I think I know just the thing. Just give me a moment to find it.” The silence that followed seemed natural and unthreatening. There was no hurry or need to fill the gap. Just the soft rasp of Tadhg’s breath and the sounds of his fingers on the holopad as he brought up the poem on the holonet. 

The poem was one about plants growing in the spring. About the way, they were born again after winter and pushed their way up through muddy black dirt. Of course, it was also about perseverance and hope in that way that poems are rarely about a single thing. He tried to read it elegantly, but in the end, he settled for simply not stumbling over the words or pausing awkwardly in the middle of lines. 

When he finished, they sat in silence again little while, before Tadhg realized they weren’t alone anymore. 

“There you are,” Brass called from the doorway. “I’m under strict orders to make sure you eat dinner.”

So it ends and Hawke moved away from Tadhg doing his best to keep in the pain he was feeling. He doesn’t try to hold Tadhg’s hand again and can feel the other clone stand up and walk to Brass. He almost missed being asked if he was coming and he awkwardly nodded his head. 

“Y-yeah, haven’t eaten since breakfast.” He had no appetite after what happened earlier but now his body was demanding food so he went with them to the cafeteria. Walking behind knowing they were holding hands and were close to one another he felt idiotic for the pain he was feeling honestly…

He should be overjoyed Tadhg found someone to love. Someone who will be there for him when things become difficult and everything seemed to be too much. He should be happy that is how a good friend would feel. 

The dinner rush hadn’t started yet so it was mostly empty inside. The others were gathered at their usual table waiting for them. Yoss and Shepard were there now and the guard captain looked over at Brass with a guilty expression before approaching them. 

“Tadhg, Brass please excuse my behavior before. I was being over cautious and jumped to conclusions. I was surprised though to hear you two are lovers. Especially after all the preparations, Hawke was taking for today.”

Hawke’s head snapped at attention and he tried to open his mouth and scream but nothing came out he was suddenly powerless. 

“He had intended to confess to you with that lovely poem he wrote,” Shepard said as bluntly as he always did and it was Vic who lunged to his feet covering Shepard’s mouth to stop him from saying any more. Meanwhile, Hawke was ready to die, ready to die and have it all be over as he quickly turned around and made a break for the door to only miss it and smash into the wall right beside it with a loud smack.

Tadhg felt the blood drain from his face. Before he even realized what he was doing he was out of his seat and had his hands on Hawke’s shoulders to stabilize him after the hit and correct his aim. Then it clicked in his mind that he probably wasn’t who Hawke wanted around right now, and he let go. 

His stomach was in a knot. Hawke… Hawke was… He watched Hawke disappear down the hallway as his sense of panic kept rising. 

“Excuse me,” he said softly to the rest of the room before making his own hasty exit. 

Once he was back in the shuttle he collapsed into one of the seats and smacked his head against the bulkhead. This day was the worst. The last thing he would ever want to do was hurt Hawke. He had always been so good, so sweet. He pulled his knees up to his chest and sobbed. 

He was still crying when Brass came in a little later with two plates of food. They were hastily set aside and Brass dropped down next to him and folded him into his arms. 

“It’ll be ok. I know, I know. It’ll be alright,” Brass murmured into his hair over and over.

  
  


 

  



	3. Chapter 3

Hawke wasn’t sure if he should be mortified or angry? Maybe a mix of both as he paced in his room before he reached wildly for a pillow and screamed into it at the top of his lungs. He was sure he had cried out all his tears earlier but fresh ones burned in his eyes.

Stupid so stupid! Now Tadhg will never want to be close to him again!

Throwing the pillow away he bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood as he sank to the floor and curled up into a ball crying when he heard the door open. Going quiet he faintly felt the light from the hallway still unsure who it was.

“...Sten?” He questioned a moment it smelled like Sten but there was another lingering scent.

“Steady...wh...what are you doing here?”

“The hint was given me that you might be in need of some comfort, kiddo. Though I’m probably not quite the best equipped for this.” Steady sat on the edge of the bed, and he scooped up the pillow on his way.

“Here let me see that,” he cupped his hand under Hawke’s chin and touched his bloodied lower lip with his thumb. “Nothing too bad. It’ll mend.” Gently he pulled Hawke closer until he was able to wrap his arms around him.

“Rough day, huh?”

“I’m an idiot…” He croaked he couldn’t help but hiccup his tears still falling down his cheeks and leaned heavily against him. “I feel so stupid! Why...why did I think it’d work out? I should know better, shouldn’t I? But I couldn’t help but fall for him like some lovesick teenager because…”

Stopping a moment to take a deep breath he scrubbed at his face wanting these tears gone and these feelings to vanish along with them.

“He treated me like I wasn’t a child! Everyone sees me as this kid brother who hasn’t even lived or has any experiences but he...he was never like that. He’s so warm and kind and just being with him makes me feel better but now he probably never want to see my face ever again!”

“First off, seeing as how Tadhg’s first reaction to you running off was to run after you until he thought better of it and opted for giving you space, I would say the evidence strongly points against him not wanting to see you again.” Steady shifted them both so that Hawke’s head was against his chest, and began rubbing his back in small circles.

“Secondly I fail to see what’s idiotic about you liking someone who you share common interests with, and who treats you well. Particularly in light of the fact that it has come to my attention that you didn’t know Brass existed until today despite the fact that he and Tadhg have been dating the entire time he’s known you.”

Steady paused a moment for emphasis. “Now I’m sure there is some reasoning behind that little omission that will doubtless prove deeply insightful into Tadhg’s insecurities. Still, it was something of a dick move on his part and you are allowed, encouraged even, to be angry at him for it.”

“The entire time…” He whispered his shoulders slumping in defeat. The entire time he was falling in love with Tadhg he had been with Brass.

It was like a hard punch to the gut that he didn’t know how to handle.

No one knew so the guys always encouraged him to follow his emotions and finding this out hurt so much he couldn’t help but sob and cling onto Steady like he had in medical when they had first met.

“I never even had a chance. What the hell...what the hell why didn’t he just say something. Now I feel more like an idiot...I know I shouldn’t but I do.”

“This really isn’t on you, kid. Tadhg screwed you a bit on this one.” This statement only succeeded in drawing out another sob.

“Ok, ok, just let it out. Let it out. It’s gonna be ok. I know it hurts, but you’re gonna survive. You aren’t alone.” Steady buried his nose into Hawke’s hair and held him close.

Hawke let it all out just as Steady said, he cried until there was nothing left and was now lying back in the bunk with a slightly less miserable expression on his face. What a day this had been. It was supposed to be exciting and happy to reunite with one of his closest friends and finally tell him how he felt.

It all went to shit. That should be the title of every clone’s biography.

“Thank you Steady...for this,” Hawke said in a raspy voice as he tilted his head in his direction. “I’m still kinda surprised you came and not Sten, usually he’s all over emotional support situations like this.”

“Ah, yeah. Sten mentioned that you might prefer me being the one to come see you because you looked on me in a more paternal framework than him. So he figured I could do more good.” Steady patted Hawke’s head.

“Anyway, I don’t mind. Though I’m probably not the best person for romance advice, honestly.”

Paternal framework?

Blushing bright red Hawke let out a strangled scream as he reached for his pillow to cover his face. “I’m going to kill him! Does everyone want to blab out my secrets?!” He shouted into it. “Look so...so I call you dad in my head, so what? Howler called Commander Wolffe dad, it’s whatever! You’re kinda like a dad, I mean I don’t know how dads work or how parents work at all but I guess you act like what they should be.” He rambled on as his cheeks remained flushed.

“Easy, kid, easy. It’s fine. I’m flattered, really.” Steady tugged on the pillow a little trying to pull it away from Hawke’s face. “I’m happy I can be here for you. Come on, don’t hide.”

Letting him take the pillow away Hawke sighed softly as he turned onto his side, he just wanted to sleep now but it was nice to know Steady wasn’t weirded out by how he felt. At least something positive came of his feelings being known. “Thanks...Steady. Thank you.” He whispered as he tried to get his body to relax enough to sleep.

* * *

 

He couldn’t help but wonder how Tadhg was handling all of this or how the rest of the guys were going to act now.

Brass sighed and stroked Tadhg’s hair. The crying and yelling had subsided and now Tadhg was just laying hunched up on his side on one of the shuttle’s bench seats. Their dinner sat untouched and long since gone cold.

He chewed his lip and tried to organize what he needed to say into some form that wouldn’t reopen the screaming match that had broken out earlier. It hadn’t been a fight. It was too one-sided for that. But when Brass had tried to broach the topic of why he was apparently some sort of secret, Tadhg had become distressed and defensive.

There was no point in retreading that ground now. It was clear that Tadhg found himself at fault on that front as well. A combination of modesty and that blinding anxiety about social interactions that occasionally gripped Tadhg in a vice seemed to be the culprit. Whatever angst Brass had felt in that first wave of learning that Tadhg had never told his friends about him washed away in the face of Tadhg’s own shame at hurting a friend.

Still, Tadhg wasn’t getting out of this any better for hiding away. Not talking had started this problem and not talking would keep making things worse. He knew that Tadhg needed a while yet, but he needed to start working on an apology sooner rather than later.

Still, he wasn’t any good at carefully picking words. That was Tadhg’s skill not his. So he lingered a moment and focused on the way Tadhg’s head felt on his lap and the reassuring weight of that physical connection. He ran his fingers over the short bristly hair at the base of Tadhg’s scalp and around to the edges of where scar tissue kept hair from growing. Then up over the two thin lines shaved into his hair to the longer strands at the top of his head. He gave Tadhg’s scalp a quick rub with his knuckles.

“You ready to talk, Ty’ika?” Brass asked. Tadhg seemed about to answer by they both heard the approaching footsteps. Tadhg jerked up into a sitting position and they both turned to face the door.

Standing in the doorway Mouse’s eyes landed on the two his face wearing an expression few had ever seen on his face. His usual gentle smile gone replaced with a frown as he took a few steps forward.

“I’m not here to yell at you.” He said making to sure to sign while he spoke.

“I don’t understand how you didn’t tell us. We would have understood if this had just happened in the last few weeks and even months but from the start? From the very start?”

Mouse shook his head unable to understand it, why keep it hidden? It never came up in discussion, yes but it could have been mentioned at any time. Mouse felt like an idiot and he could only imagine what Hawke must be feeling right now.

“Worse of all is the fact we encouraged him. He was so scared, he didn’t want to pursue his feelings, he thought it was pointless that you’d reject him. But I kept telling him how could he reject you? You’re wonderful, I pushed him to write that poem. I told him it’d be fine that feeling love is wonderful but now...I feel like an ass for putting those dreams in his head!”

Stopping a moment when he felt his volume had grown too high Mouse’s shoulder slumped his hands dropping to his sides. “I just...want an explanation. If not me than Hawke, it’s what he deserves.”

“You want me to leave?” Brass asked quietly.

“No. Stay,” Tadhg replied in sign language without bothering to speak aloud. His hands moved slowly and Brass knew that it had to be for his benefit. He was still learning, though Tadhg’s new habit of switching to sign language when he was particularly upset and didn’t feel like talking had improved his fluency significantly.

“I feel like an ass too,” Tadhg continued with the same deliberate, forceful slowness. “My reasons sound stupid to me, so I can only imagine how they’ll sound to you. When I met you all, my relationship with Brass was new. New enough that talking about it would have felt like jinxing it. And then it didn’t come up. And the longer it didn’t come up the less I knew how to bring it up, without making things strange. And I know that’s ridiculous, but I just couldn’t figure out how to do it. It got built up in my head and just,” his hands stopped for a moment then he waved them slightly to indicate the thought trailing off.

Brass shifted a little closer so that his shoulder was pressed to Tadhg’s. He never quite understood this part of his lover’s mentality, but he knew that Tadhg was telling the truth. And whatever came next, he wouldn’t have to deal with it alone.

“I’m sorry,” Tadhg continued after a beat, still only signing. “I am very sorry. I never meant to let this get so out of hand. I owe you all an apology. Especially Hawke. I just don’t know what I could possibly say that wouldn’t make things worse,” Tadhg finished and his shoulders slumped.

“I don’t know either but Tadhg I just don’t understand. We’re all friends if you had told us we’d all understood and the hurt would be less. Now Hawke is hurting and is probably trying to stick his head through a wall…” Mouse said, a heavy sigh leaving him. He didn’t truly understand Tadhg’s reasons and they did feel a bit ridiculous but who was Mouse to judge when he suffered from his own personal hang-ups as well?

“I guess I just feel a little angry and protective. Hawke is my brother, my little brother, him hurting makes me hurt. All I wanted was for him to be happy and to show it’s okay to feel like that.”

“I’m angry at myself,” Tadhg signed. “I care about Hawke too. I hate that I’ve hurt him.” Tadhg paused a while with his hands resting limply against his thighs.

“It’s just… I saw the way you guys looked when I would bring stories from the 212th. The way you’d all look a little wistful. Hawke worse than any of you. After a while, it started to feel like bragging. Like I was rubbing your noses in the fact that you were stuck out here. I just didn’t know what to say.”

Brass suspected that any wistful looking from Hawke had less to do with the 212th and more to do with the storyteller, but now wasn’t the time to bring that up.

He couldn’t help but think about finding Hawke with his head against Tadhg’s shoulder in the cargo bay earlier. He guessed that jealousy might have been a normal reaction, but Tadhg had looked more at ease than Brass had seen him in a long while. The scene had simply been too peaceful for that. And for all that they were apparently rivals, he liked Hawke. Or at least he liked what little he had seen of him so far.

“It can’t be undone,” Brass said and fumbled through the signs awkwardly as he spoke. “Only thing to do now is try and make a worthy apology.”

“Wistful yes, of course, we hear stories like that on a daily basis from the normal crew. It’s not bragging, we understand the lot we’ve been given. It’s either be here or die in an awful way.” Mouse’s tone was flat and matter of fact. There wasn’t much to say after that.

“I know this will be difficult but...speak to him? Apologize and talk to him, make it clear this wasn’t his fault.” He pleaded his expression growing sad again. “Let him down gently as possible after all this?”

“Of course. I need some time though. I need to figure out what to say, so I don’t make things worse.” Tadhg sighed and leaned back against the bulkhead with a swift jerk. The resulting clang was loud enough to make Brass flinch.

“Have you been to see him?” Brass asked. “How’s he holding up after getting outed in front of the entire mess hall?”

“Well, last I heard he was trying to smother himself with his pillow. Steady went to have a talk with him I’m sure that’ll make him feel better. He’s probably still cooped up in our room, I bet he’s going to need time to get his emotions out.”

“Steady to the rescue again, huh?” It was the first thing Tadhg had said aloud. He still signed as he spoke and the final gesture of the last sign flew wide and Tadhg let his arm fall to his side with an audible thump.

“Do you think you could ask him to come by tomorrow after breakfast?”

“I’ll...do my best, no guarantee but I get the feeling he’ll want to find a way to have this all settled before you all leave.” Walking to the door he looked over at them offering a very faint smile. “I know this is hard but...I know how good friends the two of you are and Hawke wouldn’t want to lose your friendship over something like this.”

“I don’t want to lose his friendship either. I still don’t know what to say, but I’d appreciate a chance to talk to him when the whole station isn’t listening in.” Tadhg bit his lip and stared at his hands. “I don’t know if I can fix this, but I’ll try.” Tadhg stiffy pulled his head back up and met Mouse’s eyes.

“Thank you for coming to talk to me. And thank you for being willing to ask Hawke for me.”

“It’s what friends do.” He put simply and left the ship hoping this could be talked out. The rest of the evening Mouse sat beside Hawke gently speaking to him hoping to convince him to speak with Tadhg. He didn’t push too much seeing how exhausted the younger clone was and spent that night holding him as he cried gently.

* * *

 

By breakfast, Hawke was confident...enough that he was cried out for a good while. Showering and just pulling his hair back into a ponytail he carefully made his way to the hangar ignoring how his stomach was turning like crazy. Taking a deep breath when he reached the entrance he strained his hearing to see if anyone was around.

It was Brass who stepped out of the shuttle.

“Oh good, you came! Here,” he crossed the hanger and picked up Hawke’s hand to gently press a mug of caf into it.

“I’m going on hearsay about how you like it, so hopefully I’m not too far off the mark. Tadhg’s the only one in there. I’m gonna go find somewhere else to make myself useful. Just, take whatever time you need, yeah?” He gave a few awkward pats to the back of the hand holding the mug of caf.

“O-oh...thanks…” Feeling the warm mug placed in his hands he didn’t know how else to respond for a second. Why was Brass offering him a drink? Taking a small sip to be polite he was surprised to taste how sweet it was but not so much that it was overpowering.

“...Aren’t you...y’know angry at me?” He asked softly feeling a knot in his stomach. “About Tadhg?”

“No? I mean, you were pretty clearly acting in good faith, and I can’t exactly fault your taste.” Brass shrugged and the movement was large enough to make his shoulder plates clack. “I’m not gonna be a jealous ass about this. I trust Tadhg, and it’d only make a rough situation worse.”

“Honestly, I hope you two figure out how to come out the other side of this still friends. He cares about you a lot and knowing he hurt you has him pretty chewed up. So, good luck I guess. Enjoy the coffee.” And with that Brass ducked out down the corridor into the main portion of the station

Well, it was nice to know Brass didn’t want to wring his neck that helped slightly.

Very slightly.

Taking one more sip of the caf hoping it would somehow grant him the courage he so desperately needed he walked toward the ship slowly. When his foot connected with the ramp he made his way up it and felt for the nearest surface so he could knock out it to announce he was here.

“...Tadhg? It’s me...I uh, I want to come in but I don’t want to trip over anything so...kinda need a bit of help.” He called, hating that he needed help it just made things more awkward.

“Hang on, I’ll be right there,” Hearing Tadhg call out to him Hawke noticed his quickened footsteps to the entrance of the ship so he could be guided inside.

“Here, three steps in then turn right.” Tadhg reached out and rested a hand on Hawke’s shoulder. His warm hand gently steering him to safety, why hid his heart have to pick up speed from just a simple touch?

“Bench is right behind you now. If you wanna sit, I mean.” Tadhg faltered for a moment and Hawke listened as he sat down a bit too quickly.

“Thank you for coming. For being willing to hear me out. I know I screwed this up. I’m sorry.”

Almost spilling his caf, Hawke made sure to put it down, so far staying quiet as he listened to Tadhg speak, he sounded distressed...Hawke was pretty damned distressed too.

Fiddling with his hair trying to calm his nerves he took a deep breath, there would be no crying. No crying at all.

“...Why...didn’t you…” His voice cracked already and Hawke cursed at himself for being so weak. “I’m...I’m kriffing heartbroken and I feel like a complete idiot. Standing there yesterday hugging you as you introduce your boyfriend who you’ve had for _months_ and then for Shepard to just…”

“I can’t even imagine. I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything about Brass at first because it was all still a bit new and up in the air. Calling a shot before it lands, yah?” Tadhg caught himself rehashing what he’d already told Mouse, and tried to alter course to make this more personal. “After that… Talking too much about the 212th always seemed to make you sad, so I sort of… stopped. And that’s not a good excuse, I know, but it’s the truth. I wasn’t trying to hide him or lead you on. I certainly never wanted to hurt you or embarrass you. I’m so sorry that my weird social hang-ups got you hurt. I have no idea how, or even if I can make this better, but you mean too much to me not to at least try.”

By the end of his speech, Tadhg’s words had started to feel like knives slicing his throat. He remembered that Brass had left him a cup of caf and he picked it up and took a slow sip of it. The hot liquid didn’t help much with the pain, but it gave him something to do that wasn’t crawl in his own skin while he waited for Hawke’s response.

It still hurt and he still didn’t fully understand all he could do was listen and try to vocalize what he was feeling right now. Swallowing the lump that was in his throat he tried to organize his thoughts as he reached for his caf and drank until it was empty.

“I was sad at first but then hearing your stories it was something I looked forward to...so much. Because I get to hear how it’s all going out there and...it was you telling them. You, you’re my friend but soon I started to see you as more than that.” Taking a moment he needed to stop or else his words would be coming out too fast.

“You never looked down upon me. Treated me different because of this or like some child. Guess that’s why I fell so hard? And I guess all those love poems you had brought in those few weeks were because of Brass and not something you felt toward me.”

Ouch. His chest was aching pretty bad now.

All those love poems...Tadhg would speak in a soft voice just the two of them that had been his one little spark of hope.

What a joke.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think I did it on purpose, but you’re probably right.” I feel like a heel he thought, and he almost said it aloud but he remembered Brass’s advice to him from earlier that morning. Don’t make this about you. He could use a bit more of Brass’s fearless candor right about now. He set his mug down and tried to push forward.

“You’re my favorite person to read to. Steady only ever listens to be polite, and Brass is more interested in the fact that I like poetry than in the poetry itself. But you really listen. And you want to discuss it afterward, and you have interesting opinions. It seems I’ve been taking advantage of that a little. I’ll do better. You deserve better.”

And again Tadhg had to clamp down on the desire to hold Hawke. He wanted more than anything to just keep him close and stroke his hair until this all went away somehow. But taking Hawke’s affection for granted had gotten him into this mess in the first place. He wasn’t going to get out that easily.

“Before I met you I never even considered poetry...it was hard enough to find anything I could do and then Mouse mentioned how you liked it. So he read some of the poems he had shared with you and that’s how it all started I suppose.”

Pushing some loose strands of hair behind his ear he cleared his throat wondering how much Tadhg’s own was hurting him, all this talking must be putting a strain on it.

“I...I know you didn’t mean for any of this to happen Tadhg. This whole situation sucks and I’m...I’m a little mad, yeah but I’m not so angry that I want to stop being your friend. I just wish you had been honest with me, with us. Brass seems like a nice guy, I thought he’d hate my guts for this but he doesn’t...are you mad at me?”

He felt stupid for asking such a question but Hawke had his own fears. Though Steady had assured him that Tadhg wasn’t mad, why would he be mad? Maybe his irrational emotions were making him crazy? Why were emotions so complicated in the first place?!

“No, not mad I mean...ugh Force how do I even word this? I just don’t want you to avoid me, okay? I don’t wanna lose someone who's become so important in my life. I’ve already lost everyone I ever loved once.”

His throat felt raw and he could feel a faint stinging in his eyes, those stupid tears have returned with a vengeance.

“Every single person, my whole damn family and now that I have new people I love I don’t want to lose anymore. It’s unrealistic, I know that but...fuck the universe needs to cut me a break! So, so just don’t avoid me please cause who knows how much time any of us have together!” He shouted, slamming his hands down onto to bench as his pent-up frustration was released.

Tadhg couldn’t hold back anymore. He reached forward and gripped Hawke’s hands. Praying that he hadn’t overstepped, he gave them a gentle squeeze.

“Our friendship means the whole universe to me. I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.” Tadhg gave up on finding words after that. His throat was raw and his head was pounding. Truthfully he was starting to feel a little light headed. Too many emotions and not enough food he thought. But the worst seemed to have passed. Hawke still wanted to be friends. There was hope.

Hawke didn’t flinch away from the touch. He actually leaned into it and squeezed back gently.

“Y-you don’t have to talk anymore, your throat must hurt a lot. It’s okay...I-I’m just glad you still want to be around me. That you still want to be my friend. I know things will be strained for a bit and kinda weird. I’ll get over it, I promise. I’ll be fine, okay? So don’t get all distracted cause of me.”

Carefully Tadhg lifted Hawke’s hand to his cheek and then nodded. He didn’t let go right away, although he knew he probably should have. It just felt too sweet to have Hawke here and to be working past the mess he’d gotten them both in. He still wanted to hold Hawke, but this would do for now.

They’d figure this out. It would be ok.

  



	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's an epilogue we decided to write up for a more hopeful ending! Hope you all enjoy this! We'd love to hear what you thought!

_ “Tell me if it’s recording, okay? Is it?” _

_ “Yup you’re all set Hawke, want me to stick around?” _

_ “No I should be fine, thank you though! I’ll let you know when I’m done! Thank’s Vic!” _

The sound of a door closing could be heard and shuffling around before Hawke cleared his throat.

_ “So uh...hey it’s me Hawke but you already know that of course! Cause this is a recording for you Tadhg. You know how we’ve been talking about writing poems? We always say we’ll do it but never do? Well, I finally wrote one!” _

A beat of silence followed before Hawke started to speak again.

_ “I wrote it for you. Hoping it’d y’know lift your spirits?...Force wait that sounded lame. I just know it must be tough on you now after the accident. I know how it feels, it was a close call and it makes you realize a lot and...hearing about it and thinking you’d might have died or be terminated...it made me realize something too.” _

Hawke seemed to be struggling with words.

_ “That life is really short and you...you can’t waste it by hesitating. I’m, I’m going to stop rambling now. Here’s my poem! I’m calling it Clarity.” _

_ “Dead eyes, glass spheres that see nothing _

_ Yet I see you _

_ Smiles so tender touches so light _

_ Your voice paints a perfect image _

_ I see you in my mind, I see you so just as you can see me _

_ An equal, a friend perhaps even a love? _

_ Love is blind so I’m told but love for you is so very clear” _

 

For a while Hawke is quiet but a nervous laugh left him and he’s moving around again perhaps maybe pacing.

_ “T-Tadhg I...I love you. I’ve had these feelings for you a while and...I just love you. More than friends. You’re so important to me and when you visit being close to you listening to your stories and reading poems. Us talking and just being together is so wonderful. I want to be with you, to love you and be by your side if you’ll have me. So like a complete coward I’m saying this all in a recording! That way I won’t chicken out! O-okay guess I’m done for now! I really hope you enjoyed the poem! Haha...and I hope you...you feel the same way.” _

Tadhg wanted to throw his holopad against the wall but he was too aware of what it would take to get it replaced to follow through. He settled for chucking the earpiece he had been using to listen to Hawke’s message instead.

It landed with a soft click rather than the satisfying crack he had hoped for and he looked up to see that Brass had just come in and caught the cursed thing rather than let it smack on the wall.

“How many times you gonna listen to that Ty’ika?” He asked softly.

“I don’t know. Until I come up with something even half as genuine and heartfelt to respond to it with, I guess.” Tadhg buried his head in his hands and let his fingers curl into his hair clenching it slightly in frustration.

Brass tumped down next to him on his bunk and slung an arm around his shoulders. He pulled Tadhg close with a rough tug.

“He doesn’t even know you’ve heard it. Or at least I’m pretty sure he doesn't.” It was something of a mystery how the file had ended up on Tadhg’s holopad. He hadn’t found it until after he had left the Speck.

“I don’t care. I’m tired of feeling powerless about this. I want to be able to do something to make this better. What’s the point in studying poetry if you’re never going to know what to say anyhow.” Tadhg leaned into Brass’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around his waist. He took a deep breath to catch the notes of Brass’s cologne and let it out with a sigh.

“Torturing yourself with his message probably isn’t helping any. Maybe you need to stop worrying about responding to this, and just focus on talking to him. I’m not sure that he needs you to say anything else about this.” Brass rested his chin on Tadhg’s head, and Tadhg soaked in the familiar weight of him. It was solid advice. Not what he wanted to hear, but solid advice all the same.

“Fine. Fine,” Tadhg grumbled. He looked up and gave a quick kiss to Brass’s chin. “I know you probably came to spend time with me, but I think I need to record a message for Hawke, and I think I need to do it now before I lose my nerve.”

“Understood. I’ll see you at dinner then?” Brass asked as he shifted to stand up. 

“Mhmm. Thanks.” Tadhg leaned into the kiss Brass planted on his temple before he left.

Tadhg stared at his holopad a moment before opening up its voice recording functions. A plan was quickly coming together in his mind. Being too self-conscious to talk about his life had gotten him into this mess. Well, he’d show Hawke he could do better.

“Hey, Hawke, I hope you and the others are doing well.” He sounded a little raspy and uncertain, but he plowed on. “ We just moved to a new base of operations, so things are a little hectic here. Default broke his middle finger the other day when it got caught between a couple of heavy boxes. He’s been using it as an excuse to make rude gestures at everyone. Mostly harmless fun, but yesterday…”

  
  



End file.
